Holly died a year ago today

Holly, one year ago.

It was exactly a year ago today (3 March 2012) that we raced like maniacs from Sutton B&Q to the resuscitation unit at St. Helier's. It was a year ago today we were told that Holly was brain dead and there was no activity behind the eyes. It was a year ago today we were THEN told she was successfully revived. It was a year ago today we began our month's residency with the amazing folk at Evelina Children's Hospital.

I keep thinking sometimes that in a parallel universe somewhere (OK, I've been watching WAY too much Fringe lately) Alternate Sue and I are visiting a grave today and wishing beyond wishing that what happened hasn't actually happened. I can't begin to imagine what our lives would be like, what mental state we'd be in had the alternate reality happened. Thankfully we haven't had to find out.

Not to say the past year has been without it's problems due to this - we've had medications, therapies as well as a diagnosis of Choreoathetosis, which is a type of Cerebral Palsy where there are too many unwanted movements. At the moment, we've been told worst case scenario is wheelchair and never walking - but that's worst case.

It's been a long year and we made it through. I'd like to thank everyone again one year on for their wishes and prayers and I would be utterly remiss not thanking all the professionals and specialists who have been working with us to ensure that Holly's little brain recovers as much functionality as it possibly can.

Reading and other issues

With a few months to go, I thought it prurient to start reading about what we're actually going to be bringing into the world.

It seems you could devote your entire life to reading the exacting a proper way to bring a baby into the world, what to eat, what to avoid, etc.

Before I crack open the latest tome though, I have to say I am still scared to breaking point about bring a new life into the world. On the way to work today I read about a loved private school boy who topped himself in his 20s as a smackhead who couldn't get clean. Then I walked by a nursery for children with problems.

On top of that, when baby does arrive I have to figure out how to drop it off at nursery after 8am and pick up before 6pm, even though I usually take the 7.53a train and never get home before 7p.

I just need to sit down and have someone tell me this is all doable and everything's going to be alright.

I really fret that in 17 years time, Sue and I are going to look at each other and say "where did we go so wrong?" In that, I hope I am very wrong.